To the spandex-wearing men at the gym: please cease and desist

Dear skinny Asian guy with glasses at the gym

First of all, I admire your persistent efforts to show up at the gym every day, in a valiant attempt to strengthen those noodle-thin arms you possess.  I must commend you on your lithe muscular lower half and rounded glutes any female would be proud to call her own.  I cannot, however, in any good conscience, allow you to continue the wear of black spandex shorts (and not much else) you are so fond of, which do nothing to abscond your pendulous set of family heirlooms swinging semi-freely between the aforementioned panther-like lower extremities.  No one needs to see that.

Your T-shirt, which I can only assume to be a Marine-issue olive green (because every other Marine in the joint is wearing one of the exact same color) does nothing to conceal your manhood.  If you are in fact a Marine, you would be the weakest one I've ever seen, and would probably be kicked out for breaking the dress code.  Every other Marine there is wearing shorts that do not reveal the naughty bits; would you please do the same?   

I have seen others, yea, from far flung nations of the continent of Europe, wearing shorts made of the same revealing material but of the neon green variety, and before passing judgment, I must also take into account that they don't know any better; as we all know that the 80's didn't arrive in Europe until 1996.  Newer advances in fashion and technology have likewise experienced similar delays, but you, you are American and should know better.  I know this for a fact because I heard you speaking fluent American English with your gym-appointed trainer.  You have had ample occasion to change your wardrobe, therefore I am left with no choice but to issue the following:

By order of the fashion police, you have 24 hours from the receipt of this letter, to begin wearing real shorts that don't cling to your legs, or if you unwisely insist on wearing Spandex, at least put another pair of real shorts on over them. 

You are hereby warned, that if you continue to break the fashion laws, I will have no choice but to issue you another strongly worded letter and see that all of my friends know of your plight and ridicule you accordingly.