My brief but torrid affair with DeVry University

Trouble has always seemed to follow me like the seat of my pants.  "Now wait a minute," you may say, "what if they had holes in the bottom or were ass-less chaps?"

If I owned ass-less chaps, you'd be absolutely correct in pointing this flaw out, and I'd have to say "like the seat on some of my pants," but I don't own any ass-less chaps.  So I can safely and firmly (almost as firm as my own sculpted glutes) say that trouble has always followed me around like the seat of my pants. 



The least offensive picture I could find when I googled ass-less chaps.  Besides, I'm German, and this guy is Austrian (which is a kind of German, right?)

So if I ever go missing or wind up at the bottom of the river with a rope around my neck tied to a gigantic rock with a bullet through my chest, just know that DeVry sent their shady hit squad after me, because I'm pretty sure for profit "universities" aren't known for their sense of humor or generosity when it comes to perceived slander.

2014 EDIT: I just found out in my Business Law class that written defamation is known as libel.  Slander is verbal.



The Air Force encourages all its members to pursue higher education, so in 2007, when I had finished all my training and settled down at my first duty station, I decided to do just that.  I had previously done a few semesters at community college, but when I realized there was no way I could get a 4-year Engineering degree without either selling a kidney or taking on massive student loans, I quit school and joined the military.


I mean, shit, Sacha Baron Cohen got a degree from Cambridge University.  Now he gives motivational speeches at Harvard for a living

I looked through a potential list of online colleges and settled on the one whose name I'd heard the most, figuring it to be the best.  'Settled' being the key word here, as I was never truly happy with them. 

For one thing, they didn't really have any degrees I really wanted to pursue, but since I needed a degree, I settled on a Bachelor's in Network Administration.  Their courses were also very expensive, over $500 a credit.  The Air Force has something called 'Tuition Assistance', which pays up to $250 a credit for school while you're serving in active duty, and this university had conveniently lowered their credits for the men and women in uniform to... you guessed it - $250. 

On top of that, the 'books' they sold to their students were nothing more than limited-time PDF files which required special software to read.  There was no way to save these e-books or even print them.  And future online access to a copy was out of the question.  They expired a week after the class finished.  The worst part, however, was that they cost the same as a regular college textbook, about $100.  They weren't included in the tuition.

After a few semesters, I got tired of all that, and switched over to American Military University.  They came highly recommended, actually had a degree I was interested in, and the textbooks (paper, not pixels) were included in the cost of tuition, covered entirely by the Air Force.

Shortly afterward, I began receiving phone calls and emails from DeVry University's student advisers looking to sign me up for the next quarter's courses.  I explained that I'd changed schools, but every time they called, it was a different adviser.  As time went on, the phone calls got more frequent, from about twice a month to twice a day.  I started making up excuses.  I didn't have time at the moment.  My dog had died.  I was undergoing painful treatment for my Attention Deficit Disorder.

After a while I just started letting the calls go to voicemail.  About a year later, I got an email with the subject line "We Miss You."  The email essentially asked me to come back to them, and sounded a lot like a dumped ex-lover.  I thought I'd have a bit of fun with them, so I reciprocated with this email:   


"Dear DeVry University,

Sadly, I can't say the feeling is mutual.  The relationship started out well, mostly because of a lack of viable options, and because I had never been in a relationship of this type.  Although you may not realize it, there were issues between us almost from the very beginning, which even if I had brought them up, wouldn't have changed.  I'm referring specifically to the very high priced "textbooks" which not only were purely electronic, but would vanish at the end of the course.  However, it wasn't all bad.  I was happy for a time.  But i was young and naive, and as I mentioned, you were my first.  I didn't know what I wanted, so I went along with everything you said, swallowing all your glorious promises of a degree in higher learning.  But shortly after, I was introduced to someone else; someone who didn't charge me for textbooks, no, they would even send me physical copies of the books without me having to ask for them and expecting nothing extra in return.  I'm happier than I ever was with you and don't think I'll find anyone better in the foreseeable future.

I know that you miss me and would love to have me back, but I've moved on.  I hope this will suffice as a final break-off, as I have asked you many times to stop calling and sending me emails, apparently to no avail.  I have had to make up so many excuses for why I no longer love you, but I figured that I won't keep you hanging any longer and I'm just going to come out with it.  The endless calls and series of carrier pigeons, although romantic, will do nothing to convince me to come back to you.  I hope you understand.  I wish you well in all your future endeavors and relationships.

Sincerely,
Paul Stephan
P.S.: If you insist on further contact I will be forced to get a restraining order"


Like Pamela Anderson did when this guy tried to crash her dog's wedding.  I think he's wearing assless chaps here

I thought that would satisfy them, but the NEXT day, the same adviser sent back another email again informing me that classes would soon be starting and asked if I'd like to sign up for classes.  That's when I realized DeVry University's job pool was probably filled by robots.  Or zombies.  Or even robot zombies.  Rombies?