Déjà vu

Déjà vu.  We've all experienced it, though some of you may not know it by that name, or even that it had a name.  It means 'already seen' in French, and  is the experience of feeling sure that one has already witnessed or experienced a current situation, even though the exact circumstances of the prior encounter are uncertain and were perhaps imagined.

Some say that a déjà vu is a glitch in the Matrix

I can haz teh invizibl glitchez?



Another explanation (and it's going to be far-fetched, but I don't see you coming up with anything, so sit down and shut up) is that Earth has always been populated with a certain group of time-travelers, ones whose mission has been to go back in time and try to change specific events in our history, such as the Lincoln assassination.

Of course, that still happened, so either they figured out it would behoove them not to do it, or we were left in this dimension, and the time travelers created a new timeline.  Something like that.  Anyone with a cursory knowledge of theoretical time travel knows that going into the past is impossible, due to the whole feedback thing. 

You know how when you put a microphone up to a speaker, the sound and interference builds and builds until the speaker explodes?  Well it's the same with wormholes.  The radiation getting transferred to the past as the time traveler goes through joins the same radiation in the past, which stays around until it gets to the present, where it doubles and builds up, and much like the music speaker, the wormhole can't handle it, so it explodes or implodes.  Either way, it ceases to be.  And word on the street is that the radiation builds up so quickly the time passage expires almost before it was created.

But lets say time travel to the past were possible and there were time travelers going back and changing specific events.  Each time they go back, they're creating another layer, or dimension, on top of all the pre-existing timelines.  And each time they do, the layers of alternate timelines get thinner and thinner.  Of course, since they try to maintain things as unchanged as possible (except, of course, what they went back to change), not much will change in your life.  You will probably do mostly the same things in your life in the alternate timeline as in the original one.  For example, you may go to the bathroom at 12:30 in one dimension, but at 12 in another.  When you and the alternate you cross offset paths like that, you sense it.  Deja vu.  That's the hypothesis, anyway. 

Here's an article on how deja vu works from a more scientific angle
http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/Science/pages/Deja-vu-tied-to-familiarity-with-the-past-Deja-vu-tied-to-familiarity-with-the-past-Scrape-TV-The-World-on-your-side.html

Gay marriage

New York passed gay marriage yesterday, becoming the sixth state (plus DC, though they don't really count.  "Taxation without representation" and all that.  It's even on their licence plates.  Why would they even advertise that?  But I'm rambling.  Here's the rest of the sentence) to do so.  First of all, I think many, if not all of the rights afforded to straight couples should have been given to gays a long time ago, and withholding them is just stupid.  Hospital rights, inheritance and military service are a few of the things that come to mind.  Many on the religious right would argue that homosexuality is wrong, period, and while I personally am not comfortable with the thought of two sweaty dudes going at it, the morality of it is not where my beef lies.

Though this is pretty much wrong no matter who you ask

We lost much valuable manpower and skills by not allowing gays to serve in the military up until now.  They can turn a wrench, fire a rifle or type on a keyboard just as well as their straight counterparts.  There are certain areas where it wouldn't be wise, in my opinion, such as the battlefield,  for the same reason they don't allow women into some types of combat; because it can degrade morale, some people would be uncomfortable, etc.  But most of the military today is now in either a support position or working in offices.  Only a small percentage fights in the traditional infantry position that comes to mind when you say 'soldier'.

I get that two people of the same gender can love each other.  I really do.  I just don't think it should be called marriage.  Marriage is, and always has been a religious institution, and as most religions disagree with homosexuality, it will always be regarded as between a man and a woman.  Call it a domestic partnership.  Call it a legal union, call it whatever you want, just not marriage.  I think it would have been passed a lot sooner if they hadn't stubbornly insisted on using that term.

Update

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't written in a while, I just got back from Afghanistan.  It's been a long week  Lots of inprocessing and stuff to do.  I was there for 6 months, and though I was the one that volunteered for the deployment and was really excited to go, mostly to see the country I'd studied so much about, and practice the language with the natives, by about week 3, I was ready to leave.

This is an excerpt from one of my weekly emails home a few weeks before I left:

"Have I mentioned I can’t wait to leave?  It’s not that life is terrible here.  Not anymore anyway, since the last rotation of people left, taking she-who-must-not-be-named (see the note below) with them .  Everyone’s getting along just fine, I have a place to sleep and food to eat.  Not great food - it’s been chicken wings, hamburgers, corn dogs and mini frozen pizzas every day; no fruit or desert and hardy any vegetables – but food nonetheless.  I just think they stopped caring.  There isn’t any one factor in particular that makes me want out.  I’m just restless and yearn for some freedom, the beach, hiking in the mountains, regular clothes and an actual weekend.  I want to hang out with people who aren’t in uniform.  I want to do something outside of this monotony.  I want to be able to jump the rails of this fixed route I must take, stop having to carry this rifle around, stop having to throw myself to the ground in the middle of my night due to an impending rocket attack because some asshole insurgent decided he’d spend $800 on a rocket to shoot at us instead of using that money to educate the next generation of kids who know nothing but war and to whom “making it in life” means selling opium or becoming a corrupt government official."

Note: The unnamed lady in the excerpt was a female supervisor who took an intense dislike to me from the very start and made my life hell while I was there, the single biggest factor in making me good and ready to leave by the end.  She was a very unpleasant person, and just to give you an idea, think Naomi from the movie "Waiting..."  

The personality resemblance was uncanny

Though, other than the perpetual scowl and cigarette smoking, she didn't look much like her.  Plus, she was about a foot taller than Naomi, making her not just mentally but also physically imposing.  

You've got Spam!

If you are the owner of an email address, chances are you've received Spam.  Most of us see these emails for what they are and delete them immediately.  There are people, however, mostly the gullible newcomers to the wondrous web, who actually open spam and read it.  Those same people are the ones who send chain emails to all their friends.  If you are lucky enough not to know what a chain email is, I envy you.  It's a type of spam that basically tries to get people to forward the email to as many people as possible through emotionally manipulative stories, get-rich quick pyramid schemes, and the exploitation of superstition to threaten the recipient with bad luck if he or she "breaks the chain."  In fact, by the late 90s, approximately 572% of all email was a chain email. 

Thankfully, it's not as widespread anymore, as people have mostly wised up, though I still find one in my inbox every now and again.  Most recently, I got this one from a co-worker:

"Pass this on...

This year we are going to experience 4 unusual dates: 1-1-11; 1-11-11; 11-1-11; 11-11-11 and that's not all.... Take the last two (2) digits of the year you were born - now add the age you will be THIS year, and the result will be 111 for everyone!!! This year October will have 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays, and 5 Saturdays. This only happens every 823 years...."

This is the reply email I fired off shortly afterwards:


I hope to Edward Cullen and Jacob Black's love child that this is supposed to be satire and you're just making fun of the feeble-minded sorority girls passing this around to all their friends. I would have expected this from my sweet old great aunt Ethel, as she always sends me chain emails about cats with bowties and Bill Lumberg giving away half his Microsoft fortune to people who perpetuate the chain ("keep the cycle going and it will bring you good luck"); but not you, Chris.

First of all, October, 2011 will not have 5 weekends.  That was last year.  Yes, the first two statements are true, but of course your age plus the year of your birth will be 111, because we are in 2011. (19)84 (year of birth) + 27 (age I will turn this year) = (20)11. Holy Twilight! It's merely a coincidence. In the same way as next year it will be 112, and in 2023, the last two digits of your birth year plus your age that year will add up to 123.

As for the 5 weekends in October happening every 823 years, let's think about this, a year can only start on one of seven days, so there are seven possible basic calendar years. Add leap years, and there are fourteen basic calendars. Period. And one of those calendars only gets used every 823 years? How would that be possible? It's not of course, all 14 calendars get cycled through regularly; in fact 2010 uses the exact same calendar as 1999.

So 1999 ALSO had 5 Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays in October. So did 1993. 1982 as well. 2021 (the next time it will happen) will probably see another round of pernicious chain emails (or thought messages or whatever we will have by then) going around telling people to "Rejoice, for this only happens once every 823 years!! Just send me your banking information and I'll see that all your astrological dreams are fulfilled"
 For more information on Twilight and other nonsense, refer to the article I wrote on the subject: http://spacebetweenmyears.blogspot.com/2011/03/twilight-blows.html

Fox News Confrims

Fox News, you've done it again.  In your race against the obviously superior and less-biased CNN, you've not only failed to put out an actual front-page article, but also failed to use a spell checker.

Usama bin Landen Dead Fox News Confrims.

bin Landen.  As in "yeah, dem terrists bin landen dem planes in them buildings in New Yawk.  Der terker jerbs!"

It's gotta be true, since Fox News confrimed it.  Way to go, Faux News.

CNN, while a couple of minutes late to the party, actually took the time to post a front page article, mercifully free of spelling and grammar errors. 

But of course, since a large majority of Fox's viewership can barely read, I guess it doesn't really matter, does it, Fox?

They killed Osama?  I didn't know we was after the president

The People vs. Luke Bryan

Deputy: All rise for the entrance of the honorable Judge Max Fightmaster

Judge: Please be seated.  Now, first we'll have the prosecutor state his case.

Marshall Eriksson: Thank you, your honor.  In his recent hit song, the defendant talks about rain being a good thing.  However, we all know that rain is the leading cause of April showers and...

Judge: Hang on, I want to hear this from the horse's mouth.  Mr Bryan, would you please tell me the lyrics to your song?

Luke Bryan: Yes, yer Highness, see, mah sawng goes a lil sumthing lahk this: rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey, whiskey makes my baby feel a little frisky - back roads are boggin' up, my buddies pile up in my truck...

Judge: Get to the point

Luke Bryan: Rain is a good thing

Judge: I see.  Mr Eriksson, your rebuttal?
 

Marshall Eriksson: As I was saying, rain is the leading cause of April showers.  April showers, as we all know, bring May flowers.  Mayflowers bring the Pilgrims, who bring smallpox.  Rain is definitely NOT a "good thang."  Lawyered.

Boom

Luke Bryan: What now?  Pilgrims?  Whazzat?

Judge: Pilgrims, Mr Bryan.  Don't you know anything about American history?

Luke Bryan: Nah, I got out at fourth grade to pursue mah music career.  My momma said I could sing real good.

Judge: I see.  Well, short of any further evidence in support of rain being a good thing, I'm going to rule in favor of the plaintiff.  Mr Bryan, your argument is invalid.  From now on, you are banned from singing that song.  I'd also suggest you don't reproduce, but I don't have that authority.  You're now free to go get drunk on "whiskeh" and have unprotected sex with your girlfriend.  God help us all.

Next case, The People Vs Nickelback

Lord of the Fly Kills

It's starting to get warmer, and with the warm weather comes something very annoying - flies.  And tons of them.

They're everywhere; buzzing around outside frolicking with the fly ladies, savoring the tasty garbage heaps and raw sewage, and generally being a nuisance.  The flies have even infiltrated my office, and they are seriously annoying.  They buzz around your head and land on your face and they're driving us crazy.  Over the past 3 days I think we've killed close to 100.  At first, we kept track on a whiteboard, but got tired of that after about 35 kills. 

Anyway, so today I was prowling the office with a rolled up magazine looking for the few remaining stragglers (until the door opens and reinforcements pour in to take their places).  On my way around the office, I stopped by one room and addressed one of my co-workers:

(This was in a southern drawl, so you're going to have to sound it out for full effect) 

"Howdy, ma'am.  I'm just on the prowl for some escaped convicts.  Are yew folks harborin' any fugitives?  Ya'll know it's a felony to shelter the flies?"

For some reason she just bursts out laughing.  Maybe because that accent's just ridiculous if you're not wearing a cowboy hat?

"Ma'am, this is serious.  These pesky criminals are a serious health and mental wellness risk to the whole office, have you seen 'em?"

She's wasn't very helpful, so I continued the search on my own.  I finally encountered one of the bastards at rest, and as I snuck up behind it, it was blissfully ignorant to the world of pain that was about to happen.

Pictured: a world of pain

Just before I smacked it into mush (come to think of it, we're really going to need to start cleaning the fly guts off the walls, ceilings, printers and... you know what?, probably the entire office), I murmured: "I'm going to teach you that it is NOT ok to be a fly."

Here's the aftermath:

Myatt Daaamon.

 I swear the placement was unintentional.  I guess Matt Damon just really wanted to headbutt a fly.