If Dove were more honest

A co-worker recently gave me a piece of Dove chocolate.  If you haven't had the chance to try one of them, they're delicious and there's a saccharine motivational phrase on the inside of every wrapper.  Almost like a fortune cookie, if fortune cookies catered exclusively to single desperate women past their prime.

Inside of my wrapper, I found this delightful little quote 

"You're gorgeous.
              Love, 
              Dove"

See, the Dove corporation has this 'Real Beauty' campaign that wants all women to know that they are beautiful, smart and sexy, no matter what the world (or their mirrors) say.  Of course they'd say that.  With America reaching unprecedented levels of obesity, it'd be bad for business not to.  And now I too have fallen victim to their cloying campaign, as they seem to think I'm gorgeous.  But if they were a bit more honest, they'd have put this in my wrapper:


"You're gorgeous.  Even if you're 39, single, childless and overweight, with too many cats with names like Mr Snuggles and Mittens, we will always think you're beautiful.  Unlike all the bastards who have ever disappointed you, we will never let you down.  We won't judge you or call you names.  We like you just the way you are.  Awww, now you're crying.  There, there.  It'll all be alright, you just need a friend.  A chocolatey friend.  Just dig into the bag.  That's a good girl.  Unwrap one and let the velvety goodness spread over your tongue.  Now eat another.  Yes, that's right.  We will always be there for you when you need us." 

Love,
Dove


Though I doubt they could have fit that on the wrapper.

But I appreciate the boost, Dove.  Thanks for making me feel pretty.  I think I'm going to go tuck back my sack now, put on some lipstick and dance to "Goodbye Horses" in the buff.


And if you got that 'Silence of the Lambs' reference, you're old