Theory of Temporal Relativity

We've all been there.  There are 30 minutes left on the clock before your shift ends and you can go home.  You resolve not to watch the clock, because time always drags ass when you do.  An hour later, you look back at the clock and to your great surprise and dismay, only 5 minutes have passed!  Inversely, whenever you're doing something light and enjoyable, time seems to fly by.  Why is this?

This conundrum has stumped scientists for millenia, but today I, your humble blogger, calling upon the tremendous ideas of the great Albert Einstein, will attempt to solve this enigma once and for all.

This is the face of a man who will simply not put up with your shit

Here are the facts:

1) Einstein's theory of relativity states that the closer you get to something heavy (of great mass), the slower time seems to go.  Part of the theory, anyway.  I think.  I saw it on a Stephen Hawking PBS special or something.

2) Einstein was German

3) The word 'schwer' in German can mean both 'heavy' and 'difficult'

Therefore, we can safely accept that Einstein, being the confusing, two-meaning German wordsmith he was, may have in fact meant that the closer you get to something difficult, the slower time seems to pass.

So it's not too much of a stretch to assume that he was not only thinking of black holes when he came up with his famous and revolutionary theory, but also of you, my loyal readers, sitting in your cubicle, at your desk (or waiting tables, or whatever it is that you do), wondering why time seems to slow down the closer you get to being released for the day.

Why do you think I used the word 'light' (in the first paragraph) to describe things you enjoy doing?  Because it's the opposite of 'heavy'!  That's precisely why time seems to fly so fast on your break or when you're on vacation.


He's just laughing at your misery

You heard this revolutionary idea here first, folks.  Just in case someone tries to steal my idea and patent it for themselves, much like Alexander Graham Bell did with the telephone, or Thomas Edison with the lightbulb.  I'm not kidding.  You can read about it here.